ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
