exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
