So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
