tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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