Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
