Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
