she told me i tasted like america
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Semen is not good for contacts.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
