I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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