I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
