We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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