and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
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