Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
