dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
