I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
