Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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