no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
