im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
