wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
