I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
he just fucked me for my cheese.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
