For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
