My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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