A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
