Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
