Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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