cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
