I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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