Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
