I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
