im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
