My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
