i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
