girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
