the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Randomize
