why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
