There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
