I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
