Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
