i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
