Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
