I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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