i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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