watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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