my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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