theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
