Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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