what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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