I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
