i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
