sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
