There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
