they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
