it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
