can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
There's always time for handjobs
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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